"Oh yeah," I replied in each instance, "Isn't it great how a 60-year old geezer like Watson is leading a bunch of upstart no name Euros and Americans!?"
"Huh?", the response has been in the first two instances.
"Okay, okay. It's not actually part of the PGA Tour, but The Open....Watson....what could be better?"
"Oh, you mean golf. No, no, did you watch the Tour de France?"
Oh, wow. I didn't see that coming. I thought you were talking about a sport that involves a ball. So, um, no, actually I didn't watch the Tour de France. In fact, no, I've never watched the Tour de France. Who the fuck in America—in the middle of great baseball season and of an incredible story unfolding in Tom Watson—watches the Tour de France, except for uncoordinated douchebags whose disinterested, America-hating father never taught him to throw a baseball? God, you probably follow Seattle FC soccer too, don't you? Fuck no, I didn't watch.
"Um, no, I didn't catch it. How's Lance doing? In first again?"
"No! There was actually this big thing about his ex wingman dude who was riding for the other team who did this thing that was really politically driven and uncalled for by Lance's team, but he was cool about it...."
I'm stuck in a Peanuts special. 'Wha, wha. Wha, wha, wha, wha,' goes the teacher. Give me NASCAR, I'd be more interested. And by the way, Lance Armstrong? Brett Favre in fucking tights. Retire al-fucking-ready. No one wants to talk about the strategy of the events on the Tour, outside of Eurpoeans. And Americans who wish they were Europeans. Or Americans who wish America was some Eurpoean country of their choosing because said country is so much more fucking awesome in their eyes due to their limited knowledge of how bankrupt and flatout shitty their healthcare system actually is.
Whoa, easy fella. Deep breath, don't go there.
"Sounds like an interesting story unfolding, " I say. God bless me for not being the dick I wish I could be.
"Oh yeah, it really is. This Contradors guy...." Contras? Contras are in the Tour de France? Now that would be interesting. It certainly would make the guy in the yellow jersey a bit more intriguing, other than looking like a wuss wearing yellow. Maybe even do a cyclist exchange for first place and the Iranians could be involved.
Huh? What the hell is going through my brain? I'm even losing myself in myself now. This isn't good. I hope this ends. Maybe I can help.
"Wow, yeah, that is interesting," I reply, still repressing my inner dick. "And can you believe NFL training camps start this week?"
I can read their eyes, 'Isn't the NFL for uneducated, beer-swilling, crotch-itching, nose-picking Neanderthals who voted for Bush?'
Why yes, it is. And fuck you. Now hold still while I beat you silly with your bike pump....
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
You Know You're Obsessed With Golf When....
....you create a mural out of 104,000 golf tees!
See it in detail at DudeCraft*.
*An old friend of mine's very cool art blog.
See it in detail at DudeCraft*.
*An old friend of mine's very cool art blog.
Monday, July 13, 2009
So That ESPN Home Run Derby Ball Tracker Thingy....
....is "so fucking out"!*
Remember when Fox Sports had the Puck Tracker a while back? It actually worked too. This? Not so much.
In the Golden Age of Technology you'd think the graphic geeks could track the ball without having the line get all squiggly and jerky. Even worse, the line changed colors like some stoner's bad acid trip the further the ball flew.
The whole concept was about as pointless and mysterious as having Brandon Inge in the Home Run Derby.
*See the awesome trailer for Eastbound and Down over at Ben's blog and you'll understand this reference.
Remember when Fox Sports had the Puck Tracker a while back? It actually worked too. This? Not so much.
In the Golden Age of Technology you'd think the graphic geeks could track the ball without having the line get all squiggly and jerky. Even worse, the line changed colors like some stoner's bad acid trip the further the ball flew.
The whole concept was about as pointless and mysterious as having Brandon Inge in the Home Run Derby.
*See the awesome trailer for Eastbound and Down over at Ben's blog and you'll understand this reference.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Happy Birthday, Nikola Tesla
Today's Google home page honors the electrifying genius of one cool dude, Nikola Tesla.
Who's Tesla? Well, you plugged in your computer to one of his inventions: the alternating current electric power system—aka: the plug in your wall. In fact, any electrical motor we turn on today is all thanks to him. He revolutionized industry and lit up our nights more efficiently and less dangerously than did Edison's direct current system.
But that wasn't all!
Tesla invented the induction motor, wireless transmission of electricity, the Tesla Coil, bladeless turbines (like in dams), electrotherapy, x-rays, the floursecent lamp and much, much more. In fact, many scientists today think he was far more of a prolific and important inventor than Edison.
And yet, like many geniuses, he died penniless and alone.
Anyway, if you get a chance, try to catch the Modern Marvels epsidode "Mad Electricity." I think you'll become just as enthralled by Tesla's incredible genius and contributions to modern life as I am.
Who's Tesla? Well, you plugged in your computer to one of his inventions: the alternating current electric power system—aka: the plug in your wall. In fact, any electrical motor we turn on today is all thanks to him. He revolutionized industry and lit up our nights more efficiently and less dangerously than did Edison's direct current system.
But that wasn't all!
Tesla invented the induction motor, wireless transmission of electricity, the Tesla Coil, bladeless turbines (like in dams), electrotherapy, x-rays, the floursecent lamp and much, much more. In fact, many scientists today think he was far more of a prolific and important inventor than Edison.
And yet, like many geniuses, he died penniless and alone.
Anyway, if you get a chance, try to catch the Modern Marvels epsidode "Mad Electricity." I think you'll become just as enthralled by Tesla's incredible genius and contributions to modern life as I am.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Boys Don't Cry, The Sequel
If Oscar voters thought Hillary Swank's performance as a hermaphrodite was spellbinding, just wait until she plays a Swedish teenager who has been raised to be neither boy or girl.
And just like her Oscar-winning performance, this will be a true story too.
According to the report, a Swedish couple refuses to reveal their child's gender young child to the world, citing "their decision was rooted in the feminist philosophy that gender is a social construction"
“We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”
The child's parents said so long as they keep Pop’s gender a secret, he or she will be able to avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female.
So let me see if I have this right: My penis is a societal construct and isn't really a part of me but an illusion. Okay, got it. This will be extraordinarily disappointing to my wife.
Pop's wardrobe includes everything from dresses to trousers and Pop's hairstyle changes on a regular basis. And Pop usually decides how Pop is going to dress on a given morning.
Although Pop knows that there are physical differences between a boy and a girl, Pop's parents never use personal pronouns when referring to the child – they just say Pop.
Yeah, those pesky personal pronouns are so repressive and confining.
Well, I'm inspired! Tonight when I go home I will no longer have a son. From now on, it's name will be "Gelatinous Goo" because that's really what we are underneath it all.
And just like her Oscar-winning performance, this will be a true story too.
According to the report, a Swedish couple refuses to reveal their child's gender young child to the world, citing "their decision was rooted in the feminist philosophy that gender is a social construction"
“We want Pop to grow up more freely and avoid being forced into a specific gender mould from the outset,” Pop’s mother said. “It's cruel to bring a child into the world with a blue or pink stamp on their forehead.”
The child's parents said so long as they keep Pop’s gender a secret, he or she will be able to avoid preconceived notions of how people should be treated if male or female.
So let me see if I have this right: My penis is a societal construct and isn't really a part of me but an illusion. Okay, got it. This will be extraordinarily disappointing to my wife.
Pop's wardrobe includes everything from dresses to trousers and Pop's hairstyle changes on a regular basis. And Pop usually decides how Pop is going to dress on a given morning.
Although Pop knows that there are physical differences between a boy and a girl, Pop's parents never use personal pronouns when referring to the child – they just say Pop.
Yeah, those pesky personal pronouns are so repressive and confining.
Well, I'm inspired! Tonight when I go home I will no longer have a son. From now on, it's name will be "Gelatinous Goo" because that's really what we are underneath it all.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Quitter
President Palin?
Not after placing a huge, benign tumor on her political future by quitting her post as Gov. of Alaska and citing tenuous and specious reasons for doing so.
Am I shocked in shame to discover how the right is trying to spin this as some grand move for POTUS '12? No, there's not an apologist in either party that, if placed in the same situation, wouldn't attempt to defend or save a potential strong POTUS candidate from such a reckless strategic move. But doing so smacks of fecklessness and defending the indefensible.
Plain quit her post, plain and simple. She quit on Alaskans and the GOP.
Do I think she had other reasons for quitting? I do, but it's just a theory. I think the whole tasteless Letterman fiasco was the final straw. Maybe it dawned her that, 'Hey, if it's this bad just as Gov. of Alaska, then it's going to be hell running for POTUS." And she wouldn't be wrong about that. Every left-leaning media outlet (far more than lonely old Fox News) from Hollywood to New York would be unmerciful in tearing her down, just as they did in the 2008 election. (The fact that the NY Times spent 5 front page stories covering Palin's $150,000 wardrobe while giving unequal coverage to Obama's nefarious ties to an unrepentant domestic terrorist and election-fraud masters over at ACORN speaks volumes.)
But quitting? That's not acceptable. That's not honorable. So I can't and won't defend such a reckless and thoughtless move.
Sorry, Sarah, I like you as a person, but you blew it. Big time.
And to my GOP brethren who think she's got a shot 2012: Much love, but you're delusional.
Not after placing a huge, benign tumor on her political future by quitting her post as Gov. of Alaska and citing tenuous and specious reasons for doing so.
Am I shocked in shame to discover how the right is trying to spin this as some grand move for POTUS '12? No, there's not an apologist in either party that, if placed in the same situation, wouldn't attempt to defend or save a potential strong POTUS candidate from such a reckless strategic move. But doing so smacks of fecklessness and defending the indefensible.
Plain quit her post, plain and simple. She quit on Alaskans and the GOP.
Do I think she had other reasons for quitting? I do, but it's just a theory. I think the whole tasteless Letterman fiasco was the final straw. Maybe it dawned her that, 'Hey, if it's this bad just as Gov. of Alaska, then it's going to be hell running for POTUS." And she wouldn't be wrong about that. Every left-leaning media outlet (far more than lonely old Fox News) from Hollywood to New York would be unmerciful in tearing her down, just as they did in the 2008 election. (The fact that the NY Times spent 5 front page stories covering Palin's $150,000 wardrobe while giving unequal coverage to Obama's nefarious ties to an unrepentant domestic terrorist and election-fraud masters over at ACORN speaks volumes.)
But quitting? That's not acceptable. That's not honorable. So I can't and won't defend such a reckless and thoughtless move.
Sorry, Sarah, I like you as a person, but you blew it. Big time.
And to my GOP brethren who think she's got a shot 2012: Much love, but you're delusional.
In Light of Today's Spectacle in Los Angeles....
....and where I was standing in Arlington National Cemetery less than a week ago witnessing a Marine color guard burial, I can say this: When it comes to whom we reverently honor and pay our respects as a society, our priorities are seriously fucked up.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Whoever Doth Hold This Office
It matters not.
It's quite breathtaking and inspiring to see the unassuming and understated granduer of The White House for the first time—particularly in the quiet of a late evening.
It's quite breathtaking and inspiring to see the unassuming and understated granduer of The White House for the first time—particularly in the quiet of a late evening.
Friday, July 3, 2009
I Know You Don't Miss Me...
....but I miss you, dear 3.5 readers!
Never fear, I shall return next week. And with some cool pics of my Philly and D.C. visits!
Never fear, I shall return next week. And with some cool pics of my Philly and D.C. visits!
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