Sunday, July 19, 2009

"Did you watch the Tour today?"

"Oh yeah," I replied in each instance, "Isn't it great how a 60-year old geezer like Watson is leading a bunch of upstart no name Euros and Americans!?"

"Huh?", the response has been in the first two instances.

"Okay, okay. It's not actually part of the PGA Tour, but The Open....Watson....what could be better?"

"Oh, you mean golf. No, no, did you watch the Tour de France?"

Oh, wow. I didn't see that coming. I thought you were talking about a sport that involves a ball. So, um, no, actually I didn't watch the Tour de France. In fact, no, I've never watched the Tour de France. Who the fuck in America—in the middle of great baseball season and of an incredible story unfolding in Tom Watson—watches the Tour de France, except for uncoordinated douchebags whose disinterested, America-hating father never taught him to throw a baseball? God, you probably follow Seattle FC soccer too, don't you? Fuck no, I didn't watch.

"Um, no, I didn't catch it. How's Lance doing? In first again?"

"No! There was actually this big thing about his ex wingman dude who was riding for the other team who did this thing that was really politically driven and uncalled for by Lance's team, but he was cool about it...."

I'm stuck in a Peanuts special. 'Wha, wha. Wha, wha, wha, wha,' goes the teacher. Give me NASCAR, I'd be more interested. And by the way, Lance Armstrong? Brett Favre in fucking tights. Retire al-fucking-ready. No one wants to talk about the strategy of the events on the Tour, outside of Eurpoeans. And Americans who wish they were Europeans. Or Americans who wish America was some Eurpoean country of their choosing because said country is so much more fucking awesome in their eyes due to their limited knowledge of how bankrupt and flatout shitty their healthcare system actually is.

Whoa, easy fella. Deep breath, don't go there.

"Sounds like an interesting story unfolding, " I say. God bless me for not being the dick I wish I could be.

"Oh yeah, it really is. This Contradors guy...." Contras? Contras are in the Tour de France? Now that would be interesting. It certainly would make the guy in the yellow jersey a bit more intriguing, other than looking like a wuss wearing yellow. Maybe even do a cyclist exchange for first place and the Iranians could be involved.

Huh? What the hell is going through my brain? I'm even losing myself in myself now. This isn't good. I hope this ends. Maybe I can help.

"Wow, yeah, that is interesting," I reply, still repressing my inner dick. "And can you believe NFL training camps start this week?"

I can read their eyes, 'Isn't the NFL for uneducated, beer-swilling, crotch-itching, nose-picking Neanderthals who voted for Bush?'

Why yes, it is. And fuck you. Now hold still while I beat you silly with your bike pump....


  1. Very nicely written up, sir.

    I've been riding my bike to work lately, and all these spandex avengers here seem to think I want to be part of their little club. Oh, I'll ride my bike around, but all you career, lifestyle "cyclists" can fuck right off.

  2. Thanks, Andy!

    Even if I had a bike to ride to work, I'd still give two shits about the TDF.